Sad and tired

It was hard to come to the page today. Every thing inside of me is ready to give up on this whole blog idea. Most of those feelings stem from the fact that I’m tired and sad. 

I’ve felt that way when I woke up, but dragged myself to yoga in hopes of lifting my spirits. All throughout class, I struggled not to cry. I know that kind of goes against the point of yoga, but crying in yoga is a trigger for me. The summer before Matt died I wept through every class. I thought the tears were the result of the tension between my husband and I. Our last child was about to go away to college and for the first time in twenty-six years it would just be the two us. Regrets from the past and uncertainty for future, made both of us emotional. However, the more I think about how deeply I wept that summer, I can’t help but wonder if there was something in my spirit that knew. Crying in yoga brings up an impending sense of doom.

I made it through the class without crying, but then the yoga teacher came over to encourage me. She told me not to worry about not being able to do all the poses. She shared a story about how when she was a little girl her ballet teacher insisted that she learn the splits in a week. She couldn’t, so she quit ballet. A few years ago she finally learned how to do the splits, but only on one side. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I hugged and thanked her, then rushed out of class.

My mood sank lower. And though I have managed to get a few things done today, I really just want to lose myself in a book.

But then there was today’s blog and the whole December blog challenge. Was I ready to give up? Couldn’t I just be proud of the fact that I made it through fifteen days.? Would not writing make me feel better? Or would I feel worse?

I don’t want to give up, but it’s really hard to put yourself out there when you’re feeling down. The fear of judgement or additional hurt can be overwhelming. That’s why people tend to hide their sadness. It feels safer, even though it isn’t.

“So don’t be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don’t know what work they are accomplishing within you?”

― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It’s much more fun to write about things that make me happy, but sadness is a part of me too. I have to be willing to let it come through my writing. So though it’s not my best piece, today’s blog is done. 

Until next time. . .

Thoughts???

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s