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Facebook Addiction

Rule number three of the December writing challenge was no interaction on any social media –– Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc until the blog was done.  The first few days felt like being on a diet. All I wanted to do was check my news feed and scroll through pictures on Instagram. I felt disconnected from the world. There were even a couple of times when I almost cheated, but I stuck to my guns. There were some days when I wasn’t able to start writing until after five. So consequently,  I wouldn’t be ale to go on social media until seven or eight at night.

I’d scroll though Facebook and Instagram trying to catch up on a days worth of post, but it’s tedious reading through everything in one sitting. To be honest, it’s kind of boring. By the fourth or fifth day, I’d check the notifications to see if anything caught my interest, and if not, I’d moved on. There have actually been some days when I didn’t even think about checking Facebook until I get in bed around eleven.

Another consequence of this blog is that I’ve only watched television twice in the last eleven days. I’ve found myself engaging in more conversations with my family or doing other things. Of course, this particular thing could be contributed to the fact that all the good shows are on hiatus until January or February. Nonetheless, I’m intrigued how much this challenge has changed the way I spend my day.

Even though I don’t have a set time to write, I plan when I’m going to write based on the other things I have to do. When I’m done writing, I don’t really have much interest in staring at a screen.  I feel more content in general with my life.

That was the thing with my Facebook addiction. I found myself feeling bad because everyone’s life seemed more interesting and exciting than mine. There were also times when a picture or a comment would trigger a grief response that could last the entire day. My husband would console me by saying that Facebook was just the highlight reel of everyone’s life and that it wasn’t fair to judge my life based on someone else’s highlight reel. While I knew that was true, I still got sucked in.

Apparently, I’m not the only person who has this problem. A blog post in Mind Body Green listed social media as one of the 11 Things You Think Are Improving Your Life (But Are Actually F*cking It Up). It stated that not only does social media waste time, it also negatively affects self-esteem.

One of my major excuses for using Facebook was keeping in touch with old friends. But the truth is I don’t really “keep in touch”. I looked at pictures, watched videos and read articles. There was very little personal interaction. Facebook is no substitute for real connection.

I was reminded of this when I received a lengthy email from an old friend. She wrote that she was thinking about me and wanted to re-connect. Her email updated me on her family and also shared how often she thinks of Matt. I felt loved as I read it. I felt connected to my friend.

I haven’t written my friend back yet, because I had to write this blog first. But when I do, I’m sure it will be a boost to both of our self-esteems.

 

Home · The Writing Life

The struggle is real.

Yesterday, while going through the bookshelves in my office, I came across a Mediations For WOMEN Who Do Too Much Journal.

It was one of those journals that places a word and a quote prompt on the top of each page. There didn’t seem to be any reason to keep it since I’d only written on the first five pages. I pitched it in the recycling bin, but then thought that I should at least read what I wrote.

The first entry was dated December 20, 1994, over twenty years ago. The word struggle was matched with the following quote by Oriana Fallaci:

You wear yourself out in the pursuit of wealth or love or freedom, you do everything to gain some right, and once it’s gained, you take no pleasure in it.

I was curious about what my twenty-nine year old self thought was a struggle. I fully expected to be amused. But what I wrote sounded eerily familiar.

I am in the midst of struggle. I’m struggling with my career. Where do I go? What do I do? I seem to be entrenched in the struggle. My life is passing me by.

Though older, and presumably wiser, I can relate to the sentiments of my younger self. Since 1994, I have struggled with my career. In fact, if you were sitting here next to me and we were talking, I would have used air quotes around the words my career.

For the majority of my adult life I have sat on the proverbial fence between motherhood and my career. Though part of me wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I seemed to intuitively know that I wouldn’t be completely happy in the role. Early in my marriage, I didn’t have much of a choice. I needed to work. However, by the time my daughter was born, my husband had advanced in his career to the point that I was able to stay home. But to be honest after a year at home with three young children, I was more than a little ready to go back to work.

I held professional, salaried positions, but family remained my number one priority. My job had to be flexible. It helped that for the first ten years of my work-life every supervisor I had was a divorced single mother. But it’s difficult to build a career around flexibility. And as a result, I never felt that did either thing well.

I struggled. And I’m still struggling.

I still haven’t learned how to balance family with the pursuit of my career. I often wonder if that is even possible. But as I start to embrace the reality of being an empty-nester, I realize I have to let go of the striving and be who I am. Sometimes that means saying no to my family. Sometimes that means saying no to one professional pursuit.

At the bottom of the journal, there was a few words of encouragement written by Anne Wilson Schaef, the author of Meditations for WOMEN who do too much. It said:

Sometimes we have to struggle –– sometimes not. The issue is not the romance of the struggle. The issue is who we are as we engage in it.

My journal entry that day ended by questioning whether or not I enjoyed struggling. Looking back, I think a part of me did. But now, I truly understand there is no romance in the struggle. The real allure should be who we become as a result.

I decided to keep the journal. And in other twenty years I can read it along with this blog post. 

Until next time. . . 

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Writing the Truth

Today is the fifteen month anniversary of my son’s death. It doesn’t quite feel as devastating as it used to, but I still mark the date in my mind as I did during the first two years of his life. Everything is still fresh enough to consciously distinguish the specific amount of time with him and without him. And though I am beginning to feel more hopeful in general, the most innocuous thing can bring me to tears. Today it was the waiter at the airport bar. He didn’t exactly look like my son, but his coloring and hair cut was similar. I tried to fight it, but the tears came anyway. I had to speak the words out loud the words I think so often: “I miss him so much!”

After fifteen months, these types of incidents don’t completely sideline my day. I’m used to the tears. I let them flow. It’s my new truth. 

I’ve shied away from revealing too much about where I am in my journey. I didn’t want to write about grief and depression. But perhaps on a sub-conscious level this writing challenge is all about breaking through the boundaries. Meeting the page count day after day clears away the bullshit and fluff. All that is left is truth. 

I never wanted grief to be the “thing” I write about, but it is my reality. When I censor those thoughts and feelings, the writing is tedious for both me and my reader. But when I allow the truth to flow, the words pour out with little effort. The piece is energized with an honesty that draws in readers. 

Yesterday’s post was the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more I need to unravel about waterfalls, grief, depression and suicide. And to be honest, I’m a little afraid of the places it might lead me. Writing about the last year will be painful, but I know that the Lord is prompting me to shine a light into the darkness.  

That’s what you do in the wake of a loss. You try to make the world a better place. We need to talk more openly about depression and suicide. Those of us who are left behind have to be willing to share. I don’t want to be on this journey, but I am. And if sharing my experiences and thoughts helps others, it’s more than worth it.

I don’t know where this road will take me, but my hope is that it will play a part in removing some of the stigma associated with mental illness and suicide. 

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Not The Same Ole Christmas Letter

Every year around this time I start to feel a little edgy. The continuous Christmas music and the retail push to get the perfect gift begin to grate on my nerves. And there is a low laying fear that I won’t get all the gifts bought, the cookies baked, the family Christmas letter written and the cards sent. There just isn’t enough time.

I end up having to chisel away at my expectations. This works pretty well until I run into one of those friends who hands you a tin of assorted cookies as she tells you about how she finished her Christmas shopping months ago. I start to feel as if I need to reassess. I try to figure out how to get it all done in the five days I have left.

 

But it doesn’t take long for reality to kick in. I end up conceding that I like eating Christmas cookies more than baking them. But it’s a bit harder to give up the Christmas letter and card. I’m a writer. I should be able to write 500 words about my family. But as soon as I sit down to write, I experience serious writer’s block. I have no idea what I want to say or how to say it. I don’t want to run through a list of accomplishment and family vacations like every other Christmas letter. It’s boring to read. Not to mention the fact that it doesn’t tell you anything or foster a real connectedness.

Perhaps that is the nature of the genre. Paint a pleasant picture of your family life in order to spread Christmas cheer. But I think that completely misses the point.

We have Christmas because our lives were far from perfect. God sent His only son to live among us and to experience everything that we experience so that he could rescue us from our sins:

 

Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

Hebrews 2:17-18 (ESV)

 Christ didn’t ignore the trials and tribulations of human life. Neither should we. Sharing our challenges as well as our triumphs is the perfect way to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Because without Him the ways we fall short would define us far more than our accomplishments.

But as I write this I feel some personal resistance. I don’t want to be that one person who airs all the dirty laundry in the Christmas letter. I’d rather say nothing. But it empowers me when other writers write about their lives honestly. I don’t feel as alone in my own struggles. And at Christmas time there are a lot of people who need encouragement.

So this year I’ve decided to give the family Christmas letter another go, but it won’t be the same ole letter. This time I’ll write about the how hard it has been to re-establish myself after relocating and how much I miss my friends and church back in Naperville. I’ll also share the triumph of completing my thesis and receiving a Master in Fine Arts. I’ll touch on the ebb and flow marriage as well as trials and triumphs of mothering young adults. But the most important thing I will write about is how grateful I am this Christmas season for the gift of Jesus Christ. I would have never made it through this year without Him.

 

 

This blog was part of a Holiday Blog Tour. The next stop tomorrow is with Gwen Jerris. Thanks Icess Fernandez of Writing to Insanity for organizing the tour and for asking me to be a part of it!

 

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10 Gift Ideas for Writers

My favorite part of December magazines is the gift guides. I grabbed a copy of Real Simple and Oprah Magazine hoping to find the perfect gift for the people on my list. I didn’t see anything in either or them that I wanted to have or to give. The stuff was too showy or just plain weird. No anyone on my list who would enjoy a package of chocolate sardines in a reusable tin.

So as a courtesy to those of you who are looking for a gift for yourself or the writer in your life, I’ve come up with 10 Gifts for Writers.

  1. Freedom Productivity Application – It locks down the Internet while you write. I first read about it in Poets and Writers Magazine. I’m definitely giving this one to myself. It turns out several famous authors use it. Nora Ephron even mentioned it in an article about her in The New York Times. It’s only $10.
  2. A Writer’s Conference/Workshop – There is nothing like being surrounded with a bunch of writers to get your creative juices flowing. I’m going to AWP (Association of Writers& Writing Program) Chicago Conference. They have a variety of workshops and readings. But the best part is the huge book fair. Even if you can’t fit Chicago into you plans, there are tons of local conferences and workshops. Both AWP and Poets and Writers Magazine have list on their websites.
  3. A Starbucks Gift Card – Writers and coffee. Need I say more?
  4. Champagne – In preparation of that acceptance e-mail or letter. Imagine how gratifying it will be to have it already chilling when you get the news. Try Laurent-Perrier Rose. It’s wonderful.
  5. Tickets to a local exhibit or show – A wonderful way to feed the inner artist.
  6. Hand cream – My hands get dry when I’m in the flow of writing. I love True Blue SpaSuper-softening Hand Lotion –Look Ma New Hands by Bath and Body Works. 
  7. A Tote bag or Messenger bag – Big bags come in handy when you’re writing on the go.  Kipling has great durable bags for under $100.
  8. Massage – Relieves tension in the back, forearms and wrist. It also relaxes the mind. Your Muse need pampering too.
  9.  A Subscription to a Literary Journal – One Story is a great literary journal that focuses on one story a month. It fits easily into a purse for a quick read. 
  10. Journal and pens – Writers never have too many journals or pens.

What gifts would you add to the list?

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The Quiet Desperation of Suburban Living

I was tempted to jump on the holiday bandwagon and make this blog about Christmas, but I just finished Freedom by Jonathan Franzen and had to write about it. I probably would not have read the novel if a friend from my writing group hadn’t recommended. She thought it might be useful to my writing, because my short stories had similar themes. I wasn’t familiar with Franzen’s writing because I had a bias against him. Back when I was a Oprah fan, he refused to appear on her show when his earlier novel, The Corrections, was selected for Oprah’s Book Club. I thought he was a pompous asshole and sort of vowed not to read anything by him.  Boy was that a wrong call.

The casual way Franzen began the story drew me in immediately:

The news about Walter Berglund wasn’t picked up locally – he and Patty had moved away to Washington two years earlier and meant nothing to St. Paul now – but the urban gentry of Ramsey Hill were not so loyal to their city as not to read the New York Times.

That simple sentence told me a lot about the setting and the characters – an excellent example of showing rather than telling, by the way.  The other morning, while I was outside with my dogs,  a man driving a grey sedan flung a New York Times on my driveway before proceeding down the street to deliver more papers to my neighbors.

I understood the people Franzen was writing about. Walter and Patty Berglund could have easily been one of my neighbors. But what really won me over is the way Franzen captured the quiet desperation of the suburban middle class:

Where did the self-pity come from? The inordinate volume of it? By almost any standard, she led a luxurious life. She had all day every day to figure out some decent and satisfying way to live, and yet all she ever seemed to get for all her choices and all her freedom was more miserable. The autobiographer is almost forced to the conclusion that she pitied herself for being so free.

Freedom exposes the alcoholism, adultery and marital discord hidden behind the facade of suburban living. And though I haven’t experienced all of the things Franzen writes about, I’ve had enough issues in my marriage and with my children to understand Patty and Walter Berglund.  Their story reminded me of the people in my old neighborhood in suburban Chicago. The homes were so beautiful and well maintained, but on the inside people suffered in silence because no one wanted their neighbors to know what was really going on inside of their homes. I remember being devastated when I heard about a neighbor who took her life. Her adult son had been killed in a car accident. I remembered seeing her son’s car in the driveway. I never thought twice about it when I didn’t see it anymore. The friend who told me the story said the woman moved after his death, and then took her life. I can’t help but wonder what may have happened if her neighbors had known about her son and gathered around to support her. I know this is an extreme example, but the recycling bins full of beer and wine bottles sitting on the curb Wednesday mornings suggest that there is too much left unsaid.

The reviews on Goodreads are fairly split on Freedom. You either love it or hate it. I stand with those who loved it. Reading about people with similar social and economic background gives me insight into my own life. It also confirmed an inclination I’ve had recently to write stories about men and women much like myself who suffer in silence from loneliness and depression. I felt encouraged by Franzen’s honesty. I hope as a writer that I am able to be as honest in my writing.

If you’ve read Freedom, what’s your take on the novel and Jonathan Franzen?

I recently read Franzen’s 10 rules for Writing Fiction on 101 books.  The list originally came from The Guardian.

1 The reader is a friend, not an adversary, not a spectator.

2 Fiction that isn’t an author’s personal adventure into the frightening or the unknown isn’t worth writing for anything but money.

3 Never use the word “then” as a ­conjunction – we have “and” for this purpose. Substituting “then” is the lazy or tone-deaf writer’s non-solution to the problem of too many “ands” on the page.

4 Write in the third person unless a ­really distinctive first-person voice ­offers itself irresistibly.

5 When information becomes free and universally accessible, voluminous research for a novel is devalued along with it.

6 The most purely autobiographical ­fiction requires pure invention. Nobody ever wrote a more auto­biographical story than “The Meta­morphosis”.

7 You see more sitting still than chasing after.

8 It’s doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.

Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.

10 You have to love before you can be relentless.

I love number two and seven.  Number eight offended me. Turns out checking Facebook and email does inhibit my creativity and limit my productivity.  Go figure.

In spite of our bumpy beginning, Franzen may just become a new favorite. I’m off to purchase The Corrections.

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The Power of Sharing

Finding the right balance between humor and appropriateness is a challenge in morning radio, especially when driving my fifteen-year-old daughter to school. I really enjoy listening to Elvis Duran and the Morning Show, but sometimes their conversation gets too graphic. So the other day I quickly changed it to my other regular morning show, Tom Joyner Morning Show and happened on a conversation about African-American programming in television. The commentator suggested African-Americans support the shows that are out rather than complaining about Hollywood’s limited representation of minorities. He used Alicia Keys’s directorial debut in the Lifetime movie Five as an example. The movie is an anthology of five short films directed by five different women: Demi Moore, Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys, Penelope Spheeris, Patty Jenkins, and Jeanne Tripplehorn. Each film chronicles the impact of breast cancer.

I don’t watch a lot of television, so I hadn’t heard about the movie prior to the spot on the radio. Nothing against Lifetime (well maybe a little), but I stopped watching their movies a long time ago. I found them too melodramatic. But I wanted to see Alicia Keys as well as Demi Moore and Jennifer Aniston in the role of director, so I watched it. I was also intrigued by the idea of an anthology of five short films. Well, let me tell you. The movie was amazing. I came away from it resolved to do two things: schedule a mammogram (I haven’t had one in two years) and get more active in the cause. If you haven’t seen it, you can watch Five online. I highly recommend it!!!

What I find most interesting about this experience is that if the commentator hadn’t shared his thoughts, I would have missed the movie. He promoted the film as a way to support Alicia Keys and her work. As writers, we have to promote other writers by sharing their work in our area of influence. Generally speaking, people are more willing to try something when someone they trust recommends it.

Though it may sound self-serving, I think this is particularly true in the blogging world. There is so many out there that it’s hard to sift through them all. I find myself much more likely to read a blog if a friend or a blogger I like recommends it. This has long been true with books. There are several things I would have never picked up if they hadn’t been recommended to me.  So in the spirit of promoting fellow writers here are a few things that I recommend you check out:

Witty Word is a blog written by Christi McGuire. I happened on it one day when I was looking for examples of writing blogs. She writes about her faith by sharing tidbits from her everyday life. I enjoy her passion for grammar (She’s an editor). And I’m particularly fond of her Wordless Weekend. Those pictures are sometimes just the break I need on a busy Saturday.

Helensadornmentblog is a blog written by a friend of mine, Helen Kemp. Helen is an artist who works with fused glass and lampwork glass. Her blog has beautiful pictures of her work as well as a description of her technique. Helen also writes post where she breaks down craft projects and scores them from 1 (you need Martha Stewart and her staff) to 5 (great fun). If I were more crafty, I would have tried a few of them myself.

I also want to recommend Home For Christmas written by my friend Deborah Grace Staley. Debbie writes the Angel Ridge Southern romance series, set in a small town in Tennessee. She won the Holt Medallion for Excellence in Mainstream Romance. It is currently available on Kindle as a free download.

These are just a few of the writers that I respect and admire. I will be sharing others. Leave a comment promoting writers, artist and films you admire so that I can add to my list.

Until next time.