Travel Log as Writing Practice

February 3, 2020February 4, 2020 confidentwriterLeave a comment

Whenever I take a big trip, I vow to write down my observations, discoveries, and thoughts so that I can remember the nuances of the place I’m visiting. The first few days I feverish write in my journal about what I saw, the food I ate and my overall impressions. My intention is to use these notes for a blog post or an essay. And believe it or not, it sometimes works. But more often my intentions fizzle by the third day of my trip.

Maybe it’s grandiose, but I keep hearing Jean Picard from Star Trek in my head saying, “Captain’s log, 02-2020.” It makes me think I should keep a log of my trip by blogging as I go.

It sounds like nerdy fun, but I have to admit I’m nervous. It generally takes me all day to write a blog post. My perfectionist has a hard time letting go. And who wants to spend her vacation in her hotel room revising and revising her blog?

Not me!

But maybe there’s another way to think about it.

The authors of Art & Fear talk about an experiment with two sets of artists. The first set had to complete a painting a day and the other group worked on one painting the entire time. The group that did a painting a day showed vast improvement in their skill. They didn’t have time to fuss with their mistakes. They had to move on.

Writing on the fly has the potential to make us better writers. It forces us to quiet our inner critic and focus on getting words on the page.

So I’m going to test that theory by starting my spin on the captain’s log. So here we go. . .

Kim’s Travel log 02032020

We (my husband and I) landed in Zurich, Switzerland Saturday morning. We breezed through customs. The lines were relatively short and moved quickly. Then we took a two-hour train done to Lausanne. During most of the train ride, we were blurry-eyed and unable to sustain a conversation. Neither of us got much sleep on the plane. My husband fell asleep. I tried to keep my eyes open as we rode through the Swiss countryside. The houses and apartment buildings along the train tracks looked decidedly European.

Once at our hotel, we got a partial view of Lake Geneva and the Alps. It was cloudy and drizzly.

After a quick two hour nap, we headed out to take a better look at the view. As we walked along the path next to the lake, I felt such a sense of peace.

The next day, Michael had to meet with his team, so I was on my own to explore. My first stop was the Olympic Museum.

Lausanne is the Olympics capital, housing the international Olympic Committee. I wouldn’t describe myself as overly interested in the Olympics, but I thought it was worthwhile to see what the museum had to offer.

The Olympic museum sits on top of a hill facing Lake Geneva. There are several steps leading up to the building. Enough that I questioned whether or not it was worth the climb. But I decided it was.

Every fourth step has the city and the year of a specific game. It’s surrounded by a beautiful park with bronze statues of different sports. All of the statues were of men and they were nude. It sort of made me chuckle because who rides their bike in the nude? Nonetheless, the statues were beautiful.

Just outside of the museum, there is a flame burning.

I wasn’t sure what I would find inside, and to be honest I doubted it would take me very long to make my way through it. But surprisedly, I was totally engrossed in the exhibits and displays.

I loved learning that the Olympic Games started in 776 BC as a festival worshiping Zeus. They ended when a Christian emperor stopped the games in 393 AD because they were seen as pagan worship.

I also found it interesting that during the Olympic Games the various countries that participated entered into a peace treaty so that the athletes could travel to Athens in safety. There is still a similar type of agreement in place today.

There was an entire exhibit hall dedicated to Pierre De Coubertin, who is seen as the father of the modern Olympics. I found his thoughts on the importance of the games inspiring.

There was also a fascinating display of all the torches used in the modern games. I especially liked seeing the torch from the 1996 games held in Atlanta, which I attended. Just seeing the torch bought back the emotions I felt when Muhammad Ali ran into the stadium carrying it. I admit I got a little choked up when I saw a video loop replaying that moment.

One of the exhibits had equipment, uniforms, trunks, and shoes from certain Olympic winners. The most exciting to me was seeing Michael Phelps’s swim tights, Usain Bolt’s jersey and the ball used by the original dream team. And seeing Jesse Owens shoe was especially poignant. I couldn’t help but think about the plight of the world when he won back in 1936. It was another emotional moment.

I left the museum with three inspirational thoughts that easily apply to writing:

• Look ahead, speak frankly, act boldly.” This was Pierre de Coubertin’s personal philosophy. This sentiment is at heart of what we do as writers. We see beyond the moment, speak our truth and act boldly by being courageous enough to share our work.

• The Olympic Spirit is to build a better world by improving relations between people and the way they live. We as writers endeavor to do the same thing by sharing our stories and giving voice to the marginalized. And this is achieved the same way athletes do it, by focusing on three key values: excellence, solidarity, and respect.

• “The important thing in life is not the triumph, but the fight; the essential thing is not to have won, but to have fought well.” — Pierre de Coubertin. This sort of sums up the reason we endeavor to keep our butts in the chair.

That’s all I have for today. More tomorrow.

The Writing Life

Stop Worrying About Family

January 15, 2020January 15, 2020 confidentwriter2 Comments

One of my biggest struggles as a writer is perception — what will people think of me and my writing. And the people I worry the most about aren’t my husband and children. They see my writing as a part of who I am. They aren’t surprised to see themselves in my essays or stories. They take it in stride and accept it as what it means to live with a writer. They point me back to my writing when I’ve taken extended breaks and when I’m struggling emotionally with an issue.

My extended family, however, is another story. Our shared history is more complicated. Our relationships are a bit more tenuous. As they say, there’s a lot of water under those bridges.

Consequently, when I sit down to write, I worry about how my family will judge my telling of these stories. Will they be taken as a betrayal or as a misrepresentation? Will there be hurt feelings and anger? Will they stop speaking to me or want to sever our relationship? Or could there be legal consequences?

Those questions get in my head and start to mess with the way I write. The net result is my writing becomes a shell of what it could be. It’s flat and uninteresting.

The fear of ramifications from family is real for many writers. As a result, countless stories, essays, memoirs, and novels never get written.

But lately, I’ve started to think differently. I contend, unless you make it to the New York Times bestsellers list, your family isn’t as interested as you think they are. At least that’s been my experience. I recently had an essay published that contained commentary I thought might be offensive. I worried about the fallout after posting the link to the journal on my Facebook page. But not only wasn’t there any fallout; there weren’t any comments at all.

There’s a good chance what we believe to be offensive isn’t as bad as we think it is. If we reveal family secrets or traumas that may be unknown, we have to consider why we are writing about it in the first place. Often, we write to make sense of our lives. Anne Lamott puts it this way:

“There’s a door we all want to walk through, and writing can help yo find it, and open it. Writing can give you what having a baby can give you: it can get you to start paying attention, can help you soften, can wake you up.”
Bird by Bird

And yet, we don’t live in a vacuum. Other people’s lives intersect with our stories. They might not agree with our take on the experience or even want to be included. But Anne Lamott also reminds us:

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

Now, of course, none of this applies when we write with the sole purpose of hurting someone. Never write to settle a score. Vindictive writing is very different than writing from your experience. It can be a slippery slope. People may find it slanderous and vindictive even if that wasn’t our intention.

Our stories are important. They deserve to be told. If you feel called to write, there’s an audience waiting. Don’t use your family as an excuse not to write. Care can more about your calling than what people will think about your writing.

Do the work. It may turn out that your story can be told well without sharing all the intimate details. But you won’t now that until you have written that first draft. If you find that you can’t tell your story without implicating others, be sure to consider their side. Even if you don’t include what you discover, it may give you insight, which always makes for better writing.

But don’t worry about any of that now. Just write.

Be fair and write well.

The Writing Life · The Writing Process

Why You Should Be Writing

August 15, 2019 confidentwriter3 Comments

This past weekend my husband and I spent the day in St. Petersburg. We had lunch at this really cool restaurant called The Library, which by the way was built by his company. We toured another one of his projects under construction, before heading to the Chihuly Museum.

To say the glass was breathtaking would be an understatement, but what I hadn’t expected was the words of wisdom Dale Chihuly shared in the film about his work.

One section of the film focused on the creation of the Chihuly Light of Jerusalem 2000 at the Tower of David Museum. Chihuly made a comment about how much the world needed art and how he hoped the exhibit might play a part in bringing Jews and Arabs together. Chihuly believed art had that kind of power. It made me think about writing.

Our stories can help heal the world, but only if we actually write them.

Remember the courage, inspiration, comfort, and healing you received from a book. What if the author allowed fear, procrastination, or a myriad of other excuses to stop her from sitting down and writing her book done?

There are so many reasons not to write, but you and I both know they’re just fear and doubt dressed in fancy clothes. See them for what they are and write anyway.

Want to know why?

It’s what you want to do.

You love the power of words. You play with ideas in your head. You scribble in your journal. You feel the magic of pen to paper — clicking of keys. You know there’s something inside dying to come out. Don’t stop it. Write.

Writing gives us space to reflect. It helps clears the foggy. We can express things we couldn’t or wouldn’t say out loud. It allows us to the opportunity to look beneath the surface at who we are and what we really feel. We can be neurotic, obsessive, and plain old weird without risk of judgment. Well, you might judge yourself. I’ve looked back at some of my old journals and been like, girl you need to burn that shit. But more often than not, those pages reflect the course of my own healing. Writing has taught me how to be more compassionate with myself and others.

This happened to me while I was working on a novella about my paternal grandparents for my graduate thesis. My faculty advisor pointed out that the character modeled after my great-grandfather was flat. He challenged me to really look into him as a person.

To be honest, I couldn’t imagine seeing him as anything more than the abusive, mean man that I had always heard about. He never said much to me as a young girl, but my grandmother told me many stories about the vicious way he would beat her mother. But as I began to write more about him, I tried looking at the world through his eyes. I began to see the way life in rural Mississippi beat him down as a black man. That wasn’t an excuse for him to beat my great grandmother, but it let me see where his anger may have come from. For the first time, I began to feel some compassion for him.

You owe it to yourself to see where your writing will go.

We all have ideas and solutions in our head that just sit there. Television and technology sometimes make us lazy. We allow ourselves to be entertained rather than to create, explore, or invent.

That book or movie which was just like an idea you had is a cautionary tale of exactly why you should be writing. You sat on it. The other person took a chance. Stop thinking about it. Start writing.

In the words of every Nike commercial you’ve ever seen — just do it.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

The Writing Life · The Writing Process

Back to Blogging

July 17, 2019 confidentwriter2 Comments

I’m blogging again. It’s been a while. I could list a multitude of excuses as to why, but that would serve no real purpose other than to make me feel better. So I’ll spare you.

Since my last blog, I relocated from Atlanta to Tampa. My transition included two apartments, one townhouse, six offers to buy or sell, the purchase of one house and the sale of another, and a storage unit with more boxes than will ever fit in our current home.

Fortunately, the last two years has also included quite a bit of travel. Most trips have been two to three day little jaunts, accompanying my husband on his business trips. But there have also been a few fun girls trips and lots of wine tasting. My friends and family have gotten so used to me traveling that they frequently start our conversations by asking where I am or when is my next trip. My life coach teased me once by saying, “Girl, you need to start a travel blog.”

“I should,” I said jokingly.

Although the idea appealed to me, there were a hundred reasons why it wouldn’t work. I didn’t have anything new to contribute to the ton of travel blogs that already exist. Sure, I could write about what to wear to get through TSA quickly or how to efficiently packing a carry-on for multiple events. That’s hardly enough to sustain a blog and not that interesting.

But then I thought about the blog I wrote two years ago. It was a travel blog of sorts. It didn’t give advice about where to stay or what to see. Instead, it talked about how my travel experience affected how I saw myself. (Here’s Vacation Blue, if you missed it.)

I pondered and played with ways to turn this into a travel blog. I even wrote a practice blog about my trip to Portland, Oregon, and spent nearly a month working on a transition piece explaining why I was switching to a travel blog.

But something didn’t feel right.

It felt as if I was moving in the wrong direction. I blamed my discomfort on the fact that I couldn’t get the domain name I wanted. But deep down, I knew I was missing the point. I’m not a travel blogger.

Travel is a big part of my life, but what stirs my soul is encouraging other women to write. That’s why I started this blog in the first place. I wanted to inspire writers, provide positive encouragement, and create a supportive community.

A lot of those ideas actually grew into Minerva Rising Press. Consequently, much of my time is spent editing and publishing women writers in our journals and books. But there is still a personal need to reflect on my own writing and life in general.

So what gives? Why haven’t I been able to sustain the work of this blog?

The answer — a lack of self-acceptance and an unwillingness to work in the face of uncertainty.

It’s a challenge to write in such a public forum. There’s a fear that the work isn’t good enough and/or that people will reject it and you (the writer). Or that you will be judged for what you share. You have to learn to be comfortable with uncertainty. The work may or may not be good. And people may or may not like you.

Truth is, neither one matters. Your job as a writer is to learn to do the work.

The work stands alone. It isn’t about what anyone thinks of it or if anyone likes you. It’s about actually doing the work. It’s about the process. And the funny thing is, the more you do work, the better it becomes.

I know I make excuses, good excuses — family, responsibilities, commitments, and grief — not to do the work. I also fear being the writing won’t be very good, and/or no one will actually read it. The finished product ends up being the only thing that’s valued.

When we are called to write, it’s not about what others think or even who will read it. It’s about what the process teaches us. We learn to write by writing. Our failures and mistakes are as essential to our growth as our successes. And you can’t make mistakes if you don’t do the work.

“…all art is about starting again.” —David Bayles &Ted Orland, Art and Fear.

So, I’m back to doing to the work. I hope that as I challenge myself to get back to my desk, you will too.

The Writing Life · The Writing Process

Why you may need to implode your story

March 7, 2017 confidentwriter2 Comments

One perk of being married to someone in construction management is getting to witness the different phases of building a building. I have been to ground breakings, looked down gigantic holes at poured footings and walked through completed buildings noting unfinished punch-list items before the final walk-through. All the while learning the lingo and gaining enough knowledge to be dangerous.

Sunday, I got to watch the implosion of the 14-story Georgia Archive building. The boom of the explosives followed by the collapsing of the building is oddly exhilarating and a little frightening.

Afterwards, I sat in as my husband and his colleagues watched several videos of the implosion and debriefed. It was fascinating to learn that every step of the 15 seconds process was expected and accounted for, including which way the building fell. It got me to thinking about how imploding our writing may be the very thing we need to build a better story.

As a writer, it’s important to consider the structure of your piece. There are times when the current form doesn’t accurately frame or support the ideas. It may be necessary to implode the whole thing to build a better structure.

One of the witnesses to the implosion Sunday noted during an interview that he didn’t see why they had to tear it down. The witness wasn’t aware that the building was no longer structurally sound or that the state plans to make better use of the land by building a new courthouse complex on the lot.

We might feel the same resistance to tearing down our story, especially if we spent a lot time working on the it. We get attached to our own words, even going as far to call them our ‘babies’. But sometimes even our best ideas need an overhaul, which may mean blowing the whole thing up.

I recently ran across this very problem while working on the memoir I’m writing about losing my son. Despite the several hours of work, I realized simple revision isn’t going to be enough to savage one of the chapters. It needed to be imploded. That means objectively examining the structure and content to determine why it isn’t working. Then teasing out anything salvageable, which may require thinking about the subject from a different perspective.

Years ago, I wrote a short story about woman who cooks her husband this wonderful dinner the night before she leaves him. The story was written from the perspective of the woman. And not to toot my own horn, but I thought it was a damn good story. Well, unfortunately I was in the minority. A group of writers in one writing workshop thought the protagonist was a bitch for leaving her hard-working husband. For years, I held on to the belief that they just didn’t understand her and continued to submit the story to various literary magazines. Needless to say, not one magazine or journal accepted it. Then a group of writers, who I trusted and respected, suggested I examine the structure and rewrite the story.

I resisted the idea at first, because I didn’t want to destroy what was there. But it had to be done. I looked at the story from the husband’s perspective, which added more texture. I changed the name and resubmitted it to various publications. After a few more rejections, it was published by Mused BellaOnline Literary Review [Read “A Fresh Start”].

Perhaps the story would have found a home in its original form, but the action of imploding my work helped me to grow as a writer. Now I’m not afraid to completely re-think a piece. I see it as playing with the ideas and don’t feel any pressure to get it right. If it doesn’t work, I try something else.

Fortunately, writing differs from construction in that we can always go back to the way things used to be thanks to wonders of technology. But more often than not, we end up with a stronger and more well-written piece.

Goal Setting · The Writing Life

The Ultimate Writing Challenge.

January 8, 2017January 8, 2017 confidentwriter4 Comments

Always we begin again

– St Benedict

I received a rejection in my email yesterday. It was particularly difficult because a few days before Christmas I had a telephone conversation with the editor of the press where she told me how much she wanted to see my book in the world. We talked briefly about the terms, and left it with her needing to sort through their upcoming publications to see if there was a place for my book.

It felt promising.

Though in reality our conversation came about after I received an email from her with news that I wasn’t selected for the first book award contest where I was one of five finalist. People say it’s an honor to be a finalist, but the reality is losing sucks. I was only partially comforted by the editor’s request that I call her to talk about her interest in publishing my book.

It seemed as if I was really close to a book deal.

Then came the rejection. The email was kind and personal, but a no nonetheless.

After a few tears and a little wandering around Target, I was faced with the question of where to send it next. Though to be honest, there was a part of me that wanted to say the hell with it. I toyed with the idea of giving up the whole writing thing. I questioned the sanity of subjecting myself to continued rejection. But after a prep-talk from my husband, sometime in prayer and a glass or two of wine, I realized the more important question is how do I sure myself up so that a rejection doesn’t feel so devastating?

Rejection is a very real part of the writing life. We all know that, but it doesn’t take away the sting. It’s as if the editor’s no confirms our greatest fear that we aren’t good enough. We wonder if perhaps our parents were right to suggest we pursue something with a future – and a salary. But the truth is we didn’t choose writing. It chose us. We write because we have to.

Truth is I feel better about life in general when I’m writing. Writing clears my head. It clarifies and expands my thinking. It opens my eyes to the things below the surface of what is said or done. It helps me understand myself and the world around. It’s my lifeline.

No rejection can take that away.

So I begin again. I will look for new places to send my book and continue to write.

Prior to receiving the rejection email, signed up for a 52 week writing challenge. I loved the idea of writing one essay a week and posting it. It seemed to be the perfect writing goal for the year. It would give me the opportunity to develop my ideas and actually write the reflections and commentaries that float around my head. It would also be a way to produce more work while actively working on my craft.

However, after processing this last rejection it seems my ultimate writing goal for this year is to continue to write and submit, taking each rejection in stride, knowing that always we begin again.

December Writing Challenge · The Writing Life

Five Last-minute Gift Ideas for Writers

December 18, 2015 confidentwriter5 Comments

Today I’m venturing into the belly of the beast to start Christmas shopping. Though I generally enjoy going to the mall, the crowds this year have been a bit much. People honking in the parking lot because someone is waiting for a parking space. Long lines. Poor climate control. It’s been in the seventies here in Atlanta and the stores are either too cold or too hot. No happy medium. Nonetheless, I can put it off no longer. But before I go, I thought I’d share 5 last-minute gift ideas for the writer in your life.

A covered coffee mug. My writing mentor, Rosemary Daniell, recently had the
misfortune of spilling her coffee on her laptop, sending her into technology hell. She ended up having to buy a new computer and now is dealing with the new computer learning curve. Be a dear to your coffee drinking writer and get them a cup with a lid. Pop by Starbucks and check out their huge selection.
A seat cushion and/or lumbar support cushion. Sitting for long periods of time at the computer can wreak havoc on your back. I often wonder if part of the problem with keeping my butt in the chair is that it makes my back hurt. Though I know
my chair is heavier on design than comfort or support, there’s no denying that sitting too long does cause problems. The more comfortable the seat, the longer we’ll be willing to sit. They are available through Amazon or at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
A subscription to his or her favorite literary journal or magazine. As a writer it is helpful to know what types of stories, essays and poems are being published. And if he or she is trying to get published in a particular journal or magazine, it’s a good idea to be familiar with the publication’s aesthetic. There are a ton of wonderful journals to choose from. Of course, I think Minerva Rising Literary Journal is pretty special. But so is Ruminate, So To Speak, Mom Egg Review and so many more.
A writer’s retreat or conference. Nothing boost creativity and productivity like time spent in the company of other writers. It helps the writer see his or her work with fresh eyes. It generates ideas and develops networks. You can choose from exotic locations like Tuscany or Paris. There are also many local conference and retreats. Poets and Writers has a data base that sorts by location, type of conference and price.
A membership to a local museum. In The Artist Way, one of the basic tools for cultivating a creative life is regular artist date. According to Julia Cameron, “ An artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, you inner artist.” Having a membership at a museum allows the writer to make frequent trips and really spend time contemplating the exhibits. Some of my best work grows out of time spent in museums.

I hope that helps. I’m off to the mall.

Books · The Writing Life

Living Your Personal Legend

December 14, 2015December 14, 2015 confidentwriterLeave a comment

They were looking only for gold,” his companion answered. “They were seeking the treasure of their Personal Legend, without wanting actually to live out the Personal Legend.

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

While reading The Alchemist, I felt my quest to be a published author was akin to Santiago’s quest for the buried treasure. He believed finding that treasure would miraculously change his life. He would have everything he ever needed, and in turn find contentment. That’s exactly what I thought would happen to me once I wrote a novel and had it published.

Publishing became my panacea. I believed that accomplishment would solve all my problems. I’d be famous and rich, which would inevitably lead to some sense of nirvana. It was like standing on the shore waiting for my ship to come in, especially since in the beginning I spent very little time, if any, actually writing. When I finally started to write, I was easily frustrated by how challenging it can be to translate the ideas in your head to words on the page. More often than not, I would give up after a while. I wanted the book, but not the work required to produce it. Writing was all about the finished book not about becoming a writer. I wasn’t much interested in living out my Personal Legend. I just wanted the treasure. The fame. The fortune.

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that a publication rarely leads to the lifestyles of the rich and famous. However, I asked myself must I write? And I discovered I must, even if I never publish a book. I challenged myself to learn all that I could about writing so that I could grow as a writer. I sometimes wonder what would have happened to my personal quest if the current trend of self-publishing had been as popular twenty years so. Must likely I wouldn’t have two graduate degrees in writing and a real love for the craft.

All that to say, living out your Personal Legend isn’t about the bottom line or whatever you consider your “treasure.” It’s about who you become in the process. I find this particularly true after fourteen days of continuous blogging. I have had to make a conscious decision on how I spend my day and what I think about. Consequently, rather than obsessing about things that are bothering today, I thought about today’s post. I even found myself thinking about revisions for the next chapter of my novel. I am learning the self-discipline needed to truly live a writer’s life.

Paulo Coelho explains it this way in a passage that precedes the one at the top of the blog:

There is only one way to learn,” the alchemist answered. “It’s through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey. You need to learn only one thing more.

I believe that one thing for me is follow-through. So onward I go with the December challenge.

Until tomorrow . . .

Home · The Writing Life

The struggle is real.

December 8, 2015September 29, 2020 confidentwriterLeave a comment

Yesterday, while going through the bookshelves in my office, I came across a Mediations For WOMEN Who Do Too Much Journal.

It was one of those journals that places a word and a quote prompt on the top of each page. There didn’t seem to be any reason to keep it since I’d only written on the first five pages. I pitched it in the recycling bin, but then thought that I should at least read what I wrote.

The first entry was dated December 20, 1994, over twenty years ago. The word struggle was matched with the following quote by Oriana Fallaci:

You wear yourself out in the pursuit of wealth or love or freedom, you do everything to gain some right, and once it’s gained, you take no pleasure in it.

I was curious about what my twenty-nine year old self thought was a struggle. I fully expected to be amused. But what I wrote sounded eerily familiar.

I am in the midst of struggle. I’m struggling with my career. Where do I go? What do I do? I seem to be entrenched in the struggle. My life is passing me by.

Though older, and presumably wiser, I can relate to the sentiments of my younger self. Since 1994, I have struggled with my career. In fact, if you were sitting here next to me and we were talking, I would have used air quotes around the words my career.

For the majority of my adult life I have sat on the proverbial fence between motherhood and my career. Though part of me wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I seemed to intuitively know that I wouldn’t be completely happy in the role. Early in my marriage, I didn’t have much of a choice. I needed to work. However, by the time my daughter was born, my husband had advanced in his career to the point that I was able to stay home. But to be honest after a year at home with three young children, I was more than a little ready to go back to work.

I held professional, salaried positions, but family remained my number one priority. My job had to be flexible. It helped that for the first ten years of my work-life every supervisor I had was a divorced single mother. But it’s difficult to build a career around flexibility. And as a result, I never felt that did either thing well.

I struggled. And I’m still struggling.

I still haven’t learned how to balance family with the pursuit of my career. I often wonder if that is even possible. But as I start to embrace the reality of being an empty-nester, I realize I have to let go of the striving and be who I am. Sometimes that means saying no to my family. Sometimes that means saying no to one professional pursuit.

At the bottom of the journal, there was a few words of encouragement written by Anne Wilson Schaef, the author of Meditations for WOMEN who do too much. It said:

Sometimes we have to struggle –– sometimes not. The issue is not the romance of the struggle. The issue is who we are as we engage in it.

My journal entry that day ended by questioning whether or not I enjoyed struggling. Looking back, I think a part of me did. But now, I truly understand there is no romance in the struggle. The real allure should be who we become as a result.

I decided to keep the journal. And in other twenty years I can read it along with this blog post.

Until next time. . .

Home · The Writing Life

Writing the Truth

December 4, 2015 confidentwriter2 Comments

Today is the fifteen month anniversary of my son’s death. It doesn’t quite feel as devastating as it used to, but I still mark the date in my mind as I did during the first two years of his life. Everything is still fresh enough to consciously distinguish the specific amount of time with him and without him. And though I am beginning to feel more hopeful in general, the most innocuous thing can bring me to tears. Today it was the waiter at the airport bar. He didn’t exactly look like my son, but his coloring and hair cut was similar. I tried to fight it, but the tears came anyway. I had to speak the words out loud the words I think so often: “I miss him so much!”

After fifteen months, these types of incidents don’t completely sideline my day. I’m used to the tears. I let them flow. It’s my new truth.

I’ve shied away from revealing too much about where I am in my journey. I didn’t want to write about grief and depression. But perhaps on a sub-conscious level this writing challenge is all about breaking through the boundaries. Meeting the page count day after day clears away the bullshit and fluff. All that is left is truth.

I never wanted grief to be the “thing” I write about, but it is my reality. When I censor those thoughts and feelings, the writing is tedious for both me and my reader. But when I allow the truth to flow, the words pour out with little effort. The piece is energized with an honesty that draws in readers.

Yesterday’s post was the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more I need to unravel about waterfalls, grief, depression and suicide. And to be honest, I’m a little afraid of the places it might lead me. Writing about the last year will be painful, but I know that the Lord is prompting me to shine a light into the darkness.

That’s what you do in the wake of a loss. You try to make the world a better place. We need to talk more openly about depression and suicide. Those of us who are left behind have to be willing to share. I don’t want to be on this journey, but I am. And if sharing my experiences and thoughts helps others, it’s more than worth it.

I don’t know where this road will take me, but my hope is that it will play a part in removing some of the stigma associated with mental illness and suicide.